A Deep Reflection on Marriage: My Uncertainties in the Shadow of Insecurity, Responsibility, and the Past

Love is nothing without action.

Trust is nothing without proof.

Apology is nothing without change.

Marriage… Sometimes a topic we eagerly anticipate with great hope, and sometimes a topic we contemplate with complex emotions. For me, these thoughts are incredibly mixed and deep. Do I want to get married one day? I really don’t know. There are many reasons for my indecision, and they don’t just revolve around the concept of “marriage.” In fact, when I start thinking about this topic, I realize that I need to address many different points going back to my childhood.

Since my childhood, I have always taken on responsibilities in my life. From a young age, I became someone who tried to be self-sufficient. I often met my own needs, and I even tried to support others. That’s why the idea of taking responsibility for someone else — which is exactly what marriage is — feels heavy to me. It feels as if marriage would bring the constant obligation of not only supporting myself but also supporting someone else. Sometimes this idea of responsibility overwhelms me so much that I want to distance myself from the idea of marriage.